On Sunday I read an article by Zaid Mohamad titled “Power of Positive Language” at the Life & Times section of the News Straits Times. Zaid Mohamed is a certified parental coach and I like to read his articles every week. What he wrote on using positive language with children is very interesting. When we use positive language to communicate with children, it helps to make them feel valued and respected. Using positive language sometimes means that we ought to avoid using negative words such as “don’t, no, and can’t” as much as possible.
I am guilty of using the word “NO” a lot. It’s not surprising that NO is one of the first words that Ashley learned to say. According to Zaid Mohamed, the best way to teach your child the good behaviour is not to tell them what not to do. Instead, tell them what you want them to do. Examples are, rather than saying “Don’t jump on the couch“, we could say, “The couch is for sitting. Please sit down” or instead of saying “Don’t give up“, use “Try again and try harder“.
Other examples – “Why are you eating so slowly?” versus “You have to eat faster than that”, or “Look at all the mess you’re making!” versus “Please be careful and keep the table clean”
Sometimes, when saying NO is unavoidable (for me especially when I want to stop Ashley from doing something dangerous), it would be better if we can try to include “thank you” after it. This will turn the phrase into a more positive one and at the same time, teaches our child to have good manners.
Interesting? I will try to remember to use more positive language with Ashley from now onwards 🙂 Zaid’s website is www.smartparents.com.my if you would like to read more.
thks for sharing Barb. actually we do know what to do and what not to, but .. but… we are all guilty of falling into the bad habit..the tongue is faster than brain.
I read somewhere it is more effective telling your kids to walk rather than “Don’t run” as kids would only pick up the last word and run even faster. Haha.. I tried it before on my boy, and it did work in a way.
i think it’s less stressful for the kid and us if we could use positive words when speaking to them huh?
come to think of it, we’ve been really bad.. we’d say.. jump lah. jump some more.. fall down and lose another teeth, then you know..
or ,, the most famous one : you don’t eat fast, you are not going kai kai !
yes yes, i’ve said the same thing too 🙂
Frankly speaking,i am on the opposite i love to tell my children “no” no this no that,,, then i will encourage them to ask me for the reasons behind all my Nos.
to quote your example, i’d say “no jump on the couch” then i will ask them, “now please tell papa,why i say you cant jump on the couch”,then it gets them thinking by exploring for themselves the reasons behind my Nos… maybe the couch is too soft, it will break, may be the couch is to black i dont know where to land myself and etc etc.
I am a strong believer that each child is special in his/her own way, therefore as parent we must help them to shape their own style and traits.
sorry long winded, solely my opinions lah
take care now and God bless
Agree wholly with Elaine. I’ve been using those phrases like, for over and over again, and my girl has become immune to them. Talking about positive language…. I rated mine 90% negative and 10% positive *sweat* Gotta change my way now.
me too 🙁
Good information sharing here. I will remind myself on this too. Knowing what to do is one thing, and doing it right is another thing.
thanks 🙂 i’ve been trying to remind myself these few days. not easy though 😀
*guilty, guilty, guilty* *hang my head down in shame*
i would say i used whatever language that reap the fastest response… which in the long run, does more damage than anything. sometimes it’s not the words, sometimes it’s the tone! and it’s alarming that sometimes i hear my kids saying the sme thing as i said to them… gosh! i really should watch how i communicate with them! thanks for sharing, Barb.
i do that too 🙂 each time when ashley mimics me, i’ll tell myself that i have to watch what i say but it’s easier said than done 🙂
Nice sharing! And very meaningful post as well…
Zaid is a GREAT parental coach. I was a DUNGU coz during an event last time he was sitted next to me and yet I was not aware who he was! Only after being introduced and told of him, then I started to be aware of his article in NST and became a loyal fan of his since then. He is really GOOD!
I know this all along. But because of our education system, growing up…everything tends to be negative. In one research, one of the first few words by babies is NO. Yes, must always remind ourselves to do the positive, to think n speak positively 🙂
Thanks for sharing, Barb. I’m guilty of saying “NO” alot too..hehe. Ok, I must remember to use positive language next time.
I read something about using positive words when we talk to our kids in a parenting book sometime back. But somehow, I forgot and continued using negative words. Elaine’s examples sounded soooo familiar :p Shall try to work out something more positive in my parenting style. Thanks for sharing Barb!
oh boy! I am so guilty!
Thanks for reminding!
Thanks for sharing!! I have problem saying “no” as an answer too!!!
Thank you for sharing! I’ve known this ever since T1 was a toddler & have tried very hard to practise positive communication but we are all creatures of habits & sometimes I fail. Besides, it takes great effort to keep converting what you don’t want them to do into a positive command. Really!
it takes lots of patience too which i lack in this area 🙁
It takes a lot of practice and patience to do this. Sometimes, our emotions get the better of us and I end up shouting like there’s no tomorrow
so do i 😉
thanks for sharing this. Very good article.
Mmmm I wonder if there’s a single soul out there who can really do that. I for one, fail big time. Hv to remind myself to be more concious abt how I communicate with Ryan.